The Long Goodbye
By Sherry Turner, President and CEO
More than 7 million Americans age 65 and older are living with Alzheimer’s disease. And this number is expected to climb to nearly 13 million by 2050 (Alzheimer’s Association, 2026.)
My own family experienced this, as I have a parent with dementia. Like many other children, I thought to myself “I can take great care of my parent with dementia. I will have them come live with me and return the favor of how they raised me.” I tried for a year to do this and it was not easy. Somewhat fun at first, then confusion starting to take hold. Rearranging the kitchen cupboards was my mom’s favorite task, every single day. Then some of the emotional issues with dementia started to surface. My mom thinking she did something wrong and needed to stay in her room, versus enjoying the whole house. Crying over trying to reconcile a bank account. Going back and forth to the bank asking for the same records over and over thinking the bank did something wrong, when, in reality, my mom could no longer take care of their finances. After taking over this financial task, she forgot that I was doing it, and crying over it again and again, looking for the bank records that had been transferred to me. It is heartbreaking. Trying to do the things with her that used to bring her joy. Cooking and working through a recipe and then not remembering if she had put in the last ingredient on the list when my back was turned. The panic, the embarrassment and no longer being able to do something that used to come so easy to her. Telling her, ‘It’s okay, it will turn out fine…’ and then the baked item turning out horrible.
Seeing my mom hit herself in the head with her hand saying, ‘what is wrong with my brain?’ made me realize that I was in over my head. And I was, and still am, a Registered Nurse that used to work in dementia nursing previously. I knew all the right things to say, to do. But caregiving is hard and when they live with you, there are no breaks. The repeated questions over and over again. The realization you cannot take a vacation without planning to include them or who will be the caregiver while you are gone. And then the guilt if you do leave to get away. It can be horrible.
I said to my sister the other day,”I miss our mom the way she used to be…” The words hung in the air for both of us. We love her dearly, but the disease has captured the mother we once knew. Paranoia and confusion has taken over her personality at times. A once happy, focused, professional woman who was kindhearted, gentle and optimistic was now believing her children were out to get her. I don’t like being the villain in my mom’s final chapter, but that is the reality of her story. Alzheimer’s is often referred to as the long goodbye. Losing the attributes of a parent that was always there for you, always a voice of reason, now thinking we have taken things from her, or that we are mean to her, or that we are somehow no longer to be trusted. It is quite heartbreaking as a child.
That is why Alzheimer’s Association is important and that is why finding a professional team of caregivers is important. In my mom’s case here at Friendship Village, it takes a Village to care for our loved one. One person cannot be solely responsible for my mom’s well-being and comfort. It takes many loving hands, many shoulders to cry on and activities to distract her attention from her frustration. She also has many friends with similar struggles to relate to. The long goodbye hurts, but the care provided by Lakeview Lodge is the most loving choice I can offer my mother. She deserves the very best, and this is my way of honoring all she has done for me.
